Jump Seat Pixie: Double Blog Part 1: Two Things to Improve Commencement

I can't say I'm a fan of pomp and/or circumstance. I'm the kind of person who has redefined the word casual at least a dozen times...

Time to go to a wedding? Well...

Or perhaps I have to be the bearer of bad news?...

So of course, I was bored out of my mind during the commencement of my graduating class.

It's not as though they really put much effort into making it interesting, either. We had a gigantic graduating class (despite our school's infamous drop-out rate of like...30%), so that meant the rest of that day was like an experience at Concentration Fantasy Camp:

And of course, having a graduating class of about seven hundred, the highlight of the evening was the reading off of every...single...name. This was not the best day of my life, contrary to the popular subscription.

So, I thought to myself, what sort of small, practical things could they do to make this more interesting for us, the graduates?

I came up with three ideas:

First, I have nothing personal against Sir Edward Elgar, but Pomp and Circumstance is getting stale for a lively graduation march. My new suggestion would be one of the following:

"The Imperial March" from Star Wars

The theme from Mel Brookes' "Blazing Saddles"

Or, the Old Spice song.

Take your pick.

Second, I think we should take advantage of how desperate the graduates are at this point to get their diplomas (or in this case, that little booklet that basically says, "Congrats, faceless drone! We suckered you into coming here tonight, now here's how to get your REAL diploma") and go. I disagree when they warn us that the biggest physical difficulty is trying not to trip on the stairs coming up in high heels; I think that each graduate must engage in a combative death-match with the MC's to receive their diploma:

"Giving them the chair" would never be more satisfying than at that moment.

And finally, the mortarboard shape...it's boring. Square? REALLY? Let's have some creativity and excitement incorporated into the silliness of the overall costume. Instead of a boring ol' quadrilateral, I think the mortarboard should be shaped like a ROTARY SAW BLADE!!