Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Demon Blueberry

I was born, raised, and will most likely die a Northwestern girl; this means the following things apply to me...

1. I have an embarrassingly uneven tan. 

2. I CAN tell the difference between Starbucks' and Tully's roasts.

3. I don't drink enough water. 

For some reason, us Northwestern types don't drink water. I'm not sure how we came to the assumption that water will naturally occur in our bodies, but we certainly live that way. Maybe we think that because of the abundance of rain that we have naturally absorbent skin, or that we can suck up the water in the air through our nasal passages or something. Who knows? The fact is, I'm not a huge water drinker. I never have been. I'm not sure HOW I stay hydrated (because I know you're supposed to drink something like eight glasses a day), but I'm still not a dusty, creaky corpse yet. 

The summer is the best time in the world to not drink water. Or, so I thought for the longest time. Northwestern summers are a bit of a paradox. We don't get a lot of sunlight 'round these parts, and somewhere around late March, we start pining for sunlight uncontrollably. 

Northwesterners have a funny habit of associating sunlight and warmth with a sudden switch to a Jersey Shore lifestyle: the sun comes out and everyone rushes for their booty shorts, hoop earrings, man-flops, and guys start wearing their shirts in odd places, like in their belt loops...?

When it finally GETS here however, we become hostile and confused. We lash out at the sun, because it makes us hot and dry and gives us better looking skin. We crawl out of our video game caves and blink at the mysterious, flaming orb of happiness with a sneer. We snarl and foam at the mouths, retreating into the dark and moist places like Gollum from Lord of the Rings or...Lindsay Lohan. 

And so the sun makes us hot and confused for most of the summer. We're Northwesterners, and we don't know what to do when we get overheated. We just become delirious. 

Which brings me to my anecdote. 

Yesterday's weather was ridiculous. The sexy-voiced guy on the classic rock station told us that it had peaked somewhere around the mid-nineties in parts of the county, and he reminded all of us to DRINK WATER. "Oh, pssshhhaahh" I thought to myself as I subconsciously tried to remember what it's like to physically feel thirst again. 

After pulling into the driveway of the my house, I started to feel a little funny. 

I wasn't thirsty, no...but I was...yearning for something. A strange, foreign feeling in the back of my mind, perhaps my dehydrated psyche's last plea for mercy, crept into my frontal lobe: WA. TER. NEED. WA. TER.

I ignored this of course. Why? Because I'm stupid. Instead, I decided I was hungry, so I went to the box of blueberries we had sitting on the counter and picked them out individually. I was starting to feel a little dizzy, so I sat down and stared at each one before eating it, thinking to myself, "And so the foolish blueberry, unaware of the predator's gaze, wanders unabated into the jaws of DOOM..." and so forth. 

When I got to the ninth or tenth berry, I had to double-take. Surely, that last one had just made a FACE at me. When I looked at it a second time, it seemed normal, though I was CERTAIN that this:

had looked like this:

merely two seconds ago.

So, like any overheated and delirious individual, I tried to rationalize with the blueberry...


My rage thus being fueled by the horrible irony of receiving a raspberry from a blueberry, I ate the demon berry and all was well with the world thereafter. 

Not really sure why I shared this story.

I guess the moral of this whole thing is drink more water. 

Yeah, let's go with that. 

- JSP 

Monday, July 26, 2010

Guest Blog in the Key of Hip-Hop

I'm the Enchanting Wizard of Rhythm, it's 4am, the cats are staring, Saved by the Bell is on, clearly, conditions are perfect for guest blogging.

The JSP has requested that I share my expert knowledge of standard and dope rhymes with you. She has provided me with five everyday situations to use as an example. So, borrow of cup of internet from the neighbors, cause we're gonna make ourselves a personal soundtrack in the key of hip hop.

Situation #1: Waking up
Optimal soundtrack: Good Morning by Kanye West

This video contains universal themes, everyday problems and some really, really foamy toothpaste. Part of the human experience is having your jet car break down on the way to pick up your bachelor's degree in hip hop. Being eaten by a cloud just provides you with a moment of introspection, reflection and running terrified through a field of mushrooms from a huge tornado.

Because you're bear.

The perfect tune for trying to remember where you are and how you got there.

Situation #2: Having to pretend to be interested in an unwanted conversation
Optimal soundtrack: Hypnotize by the Notorious B.I.G.

Notorious B.I.G. - Hypnotize
Uploaded by BeSBeLLi. - See the latest featured music videos.

In this case, simply decide to pretend something other than interest. While they are blathering, you get to be a rich playboy on yacht that's being chased by helicopters!!! Bonus! You get to ride shotgun with a strangely agitated P Diddy.

This song makes it super easy to feign interest; all you have to do is say Biggie's lines in the chorus, "Uh huh.... uh huh...."

Situation #3: Commuting to work
Optimal soundtrack: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song

The dull, never-ending, epic quest to work can only benefit from the upbeat, quirky theme of Will Smith's Fresh Prince. In addition to raising your spirits, there are several philosophical discussions to have with yourself on the way to the office:
1. The impact of early nineties mustaches (both male and female)
2. The impact of Will Smith's career post Men in Black.
3. The Carlton Dance
4. The strange disappearance of DJ Jazzy Jeff
5. Why the hell did they re-make the Karate Kid?

Situation #4: The official resignation of the imagination in the late afternoon
Optimal soundtrack: Cheddar by WC (feat. Mac 10 and Ice Cube)

A personal soundtrack can be inspirational, like the Rocky theme or the jingle from an Ex-Lax commercial. Sometimes, while slogging through those endless minutes at work, you need a audio/visual reminder of what's really important:

While Cheddar doesn't strain the synapses, it does provide possibilities for procrastination before the commute home. Namely, the freezing of squilla in large blocks of ice.

Situation #5: Running errands
Optimal soundtrack: Nothin' but a G Thang by Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg

Cruising to Rite Aid for your 'scripts has never been cooler. 

- EWoR

Sunday, July 18, 2010

"This Kind of Thing Only Happens When I Hang Out with You"

It should be said before next week's blog that, I, the Jump Seat Pixie, and my good friend of many years, The Enchanting Wizard of Rhythm, are an unstoppable force of awkward. In fact, we're the astronomical equivalent of awkward. In her (the EWoR's) words, we are "Super-Awkward-Nova"...

I can't exactly explain how our friendship came to fruition approximately eleven years ago. All I remember is a suspicious amount of paper mache' and green paint, along with a lot of nonsensical seven-year-old rambling from myself. 

I can't say things have changed much since then... 

It takes an impressive amount of patience for a nearly-thirty-year-old to befriend a semi-zealous eighteen-year-old, but then again... we're usually too busy wreaking havoc and destruction on our present environments to annoy each other...

The only true difficulty in our friendship, however, is this: combined, the JSP and the EWoR are MAGNETS for the WEIRDEST crap to just waltz into our radius. Anything feasibly strange, you name it, we've probably seen it while hanging out or are fated to see it soon. 

Which brings me to one of our most epic misadventures that took place last summer...

Now, if you must understand something about EWoR, she's a bit of a Foodie, which is a good thing because she has access to awesome and tasty places nearby and has an almost illegal knowledge of all thing produce...

Which means that many of our adventures involve the search for delicious things. Hence, this adventure takes place near a farmer's market north of the Jump Seat Lair (aka my house). The market was located on a system of dikes near the Sound which are preserved by other Foodies and eco-students, making it sort of a park. It was an adventure starting off with promise...until we saw it...

This big...awesome...ROCK.

And like any real adventurers, EWoR and I decided to climb this giant rock in the hopes of creating an awesome memory with the view of the dikes...

As we ascended this gigantic rock of wonder and mystery, I began to let my imagination run wild with the wonderous possibilities of what might in fact be on top of this rock. Oh, the excitement! Oh, the intrigue! There were surely things most beautiful and interesting atop this giant rock: and we were the ONLY geniuses to have had this idea in the entire park! I thought of all the different things we might find with joy...

Oh, how naive the unprepared!

As we reached the summit of this enormous rock, the anticipation was almost too much to last...we reached the lip of the final ledge...

...only for our effervescent feelings of accomplishment and general epicness to be shot down like Dick Cheney's hunting buddies...

Lo and behold, what sat before us in all his pasty glory, was one definitely strange and naked man...

With the reflexes of a puma, EWoR turned sharply and began skipping back down the side of the rock as Nakers shouted desperately, his voice cracking with embarrassment, "DON'T LAUGH! PLEASE, DON'T LAUGH!" Stifling our cries of hilarity and shock, we assured him we had no such intention and shuffled back down the rock in a daze, the whole time trying to shift our mental projections in other directions...

After we landed back on sweet, sweet Earth, our hopes of a wonderful watery view smashed to pieces forever and day, EWoR and I decided the only way to remedy this assault on our pyschies was to get some delicious, organic ice cream at the Market nearby. Laughing simply to shake the terror out of our bodies, the EWoR put the perfect punctuation mark on our adventure:

Next week's blog will have a guest author! 


Monday, July 5, 2010

Double Blog Part 2: Super Punch



Yeah, you! 

Little shrimpy kid!

Are you too weak to hold your own in a fight?

Are you so out of shape, you're considered a local anomaly?

Are you worried that when you step onto the high school campus, you're going to have it dealt to you at every turn? Are you concerned that you can't defend yourself?

Maybe you've tried every other martial art with no resolve:

No dice?

Then it looks like you need the brand-new patented "SUPER PUNCH"!

Derived from a ten thousand year old traditional discipline of Mountain Dew overdose and Mark Hamill haircuts, Sensei Slim of the Goon-ery Clan has a newly developed attack just for you!

The Super Punch combines the raw power of a drunken Irish dropkick with the efficiency of a double-barrel punch. Bring the "climactic" back to the schoolyard fights with THIS little doozy. 

As you can see from this vaguely scientific MRI-esque diagram, the effectiveness of the Super Punch on your opponent is nothing short of astronomical:

So, if it's safe to say you're as much as a pansy, as oh, say, me:

Sign up today for Super Punch lessons at Slim's Dojo (i.e. that creepy shed in the woods behind his house!) 

There's never been a cooler way to add three points of charisma and six points of dexterity to your profile!

- The JSP

Friday, July 2, 2010

Double Blog Part 1: Two Things to Improve Commencement

I can't say I'm a fan of pomp and/or circumstance. I'm the kind of person who has redefined the word casual at least a dozen times...

Time to go to a wedding? Well...

Or perhaps I have to be the bearer of bad news?...

So of course, I was bored out of my mind during the commencement of my graduating class. 

It's not as though they really put much effort into making it interesting, either. We had a gigantic graduating class (despite our school's infamous drop-out rate of like...30%), so that meant the rest of that day was like an experience at Concentration Fantasy Camp:

 And of course, having a graduating class of about seven hundred, the highlight of the evening was the reading off of This was not the best day of my life, contrary to the popular subscription.

So, I thought to myself, what sort of small, practical things could they do to make this more interesting for us, the graduates?

I came up with three ideas:

First, I have nothing personal against Sir Edward Elgar, but Pomp and Circumstance is getting stale for a lively graduation march. My new suggestion would be one of the following:

"The Imperial March" from Star Wars

The theme from Mel Brookes' "Blazing Saddles"

Or, the Old Spice song.

Take your pick.

Second, I think we should take advantage of how desperate the graduates are at this point to get their diplomas (or in this case, that little booklet that basically says, "Congrats, faceless drone! We suckered you into coming here tonight, now here's how to get your REAL diploma") and go. I disagree when they warn us that the biggest physical difficulty is trying not to trip on the stairs coming up in high heels; I think that each graduate must engage in a combative death-match with the MC's to receive their diploma:


 "Giving them the chair" would never be more satisfying than at that moment. 

And finally, the mortarboard's boring. Square? REALLY? Let's have some creativity and excitement incorporated into the silliness of the overall costume. Instead of a boring ol' quadrilateral, I think the mortarboard should be shaped like a ROTARY SAW BLADE!!

The only setback with this idea would soon be realized at the end of the ceremony...

Double Blog Part 2 tomorrow!