Birds are Jerks

For this next blog, I would like to employ the Morgan's speech method...


General Purpose Statement: To persuade. 

Specific Purpose Statement: To persuade my audience that the moral integrity of birds in the public eye is contrary to reality: instead of cute, innocent and comical critters, birds are malevolent and aggressive JERKS.


Thesis: Birds are jerks. 
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On July 15th, 2009, the Associated Press managed to capture this footage of a bugger of an aviary incident that had been going on for quite sometime in the financial district of San Francisco...

As you can see, this manic little dive-bomber had cut himself quite a swath in the news and for bored, Internet-surfin' teenagers everywhere. Despite the obvious entertainment value of this video, one has to admit that this seemingly adorable little blackbird is in fact...what? 

A JERK!


So, why does something as innocuous as this make the news at all? I mean, SURELY on July 15th, 2009 there were more pressing things that could have made the news like...oh...the death of Russian human-rights activist Natayla Estemirova? Or...swine flu, or whatever the big media gripe was last year. 

Well, the reason why birds make the news when they freak out on people is because we are surprised by it; we don't expect the sudden and inexplicable EVIL of birds because popular culture has brainwashed all of us. I repeat: BRAINWASHED. 

Birds have been sold to us as altruistic, humorous, good-natured, and sweet creatures on God's pleasant, green earth. I swear to you, it is a LIE. Here's what the media and popular culture would like you to think when you think of birds...

When in reality, you KNOW that if Big Bird was real, he'd sooner peck everyone on Sesame Street to death instead of teach them about shapes...

To flesh out my argument, I'd like to make the following points clear...


Number One: Birds are Arbitrarily Aggressive

Those of you who own a rooster know what I'm talking about. Roosters are flaming little balls of testosterone that will pick a fight with anything that moves. Friends of mine accidentally injured their rooster recently because it was trying to kill one of them and wounded itself in the process (boot + young rooster's leg = future underdeveloped spur or possible leg-removal). The little monster had to be cast up and spoon fed painkillers for a month, and it still hasn't learned its lesson...

 



Turkeys are elitists birds (which I think is hilarious, because of all the birds to act like they're somehow superior, turkeys are the last to do so). They will literally peck to death any member of their flock that they think is inferior or "different". 


Adelie penguins will push each other off of glaciers to make sure the water below is not infested with flesh-eating seals. If Jeff the Penguin is eaten, they don't go swimmin'...

...and according to Top Tens.com, the "Number One Bird that Can Kick Your Ass" is...you guessed it...the ostrich. The Swiss Family Robinson, if they ever made it off that island, could probably become a crime-fighting supergroup with their psycho birdular vehicles...

Number Two: Birds have a taste for revenge

A recent study has shown that crows can remember individual humans by their facial features, and thus pester them and kick their butts when they deem necessary. However, it is almost impossible for us to distinguish individual crows, even if we took your beloved pet crow of fifteen years and threw it in with a murder of twenty (by the way, MURDER of crows. MURDER. C'mon, people! Know what we're dealing with!). 

This "Crow Paradox" was discovered by an eccentric professor at the University of Washington, in which he and his students wore exaggerated face masks and heckled campus crows, only to find that the crows would leave them alone unless they wore the mask a second time. In that case, they were attacked, begrudged, and one student said that one of the crows called him fat. 

Number Three: Birds have a natural tendency towards casual vandalism

Ever wondered if Napoleon could take a fatal aviary crapping?

  

Birds have no appreciation for art nor history. Senseless. 



And finally...




Number Four: Birds (especially male birds)are Nature's answer to the human douche-bag

Tell me if this sounds familiar to you: 

1. Attention hungry
2. Cocky
3. Obnoxious
4. Show-offy
5. Sexually promiscuous 
6. Noisy

No, it's not Chad from Delta Kai, it's all male birds in mating season. We've all seen the Planet Earth footage on Discovery Channel: just put that happy, hopping winged weirdo in a lowered Honda Accord with the bass turned up, and you have yourself a familiar character:

 Many male birds, such as roosters and turkeys, are known to have "harems" of females all to themselves. Birds are polygamist swingers with little to no respect for their female counter parts...

Conclusion: 

So you see, pop culture has thoroughly distorted the moral integrity of birds. We are living under a cloud of ignorance, and we must do what is necessary to see the truth in the beady little eyes of every feathered jerk-face. 

So, many of you may be asking, "What can we do to right society's wrongs concerning the moral integrity of birds?" Well, as with all societal epidemics, the true problem resides inside our hearts. The change won't begin until we take a good look at the person in the mirror and admit to ourselves, "The bird-related brainwashing ends HERE!"

Therefore, when you come into interaction with a bird, do WHATEVER you can to remind yourself that they are evil little buggers:

1. Recall your favorite scene from Hitchcock's film "The Birds"...

2. Run in the opposite direction...

3. Flip them "the bird"

(If the gesture itself doesn't get'em, the irony will).  



Secondly, those of you who own birds be sure to keep a close watch on them and assert your dominance at every opportunity. Keep yourself informed about the risks involved (personal injury, annoyance, and an abundance of noise pollution). It's also really helpful to own at least one cat...

Finally, join the right groups in the movement!



There's a group on Facebook that I recently joined called "Birds are Jerks", with the adorable motto attached to the homepage reading:

"Birds are @#%-hole Sky-demons"

I wholeheartedly agree. 

So, unless you want THIS to continue throughout your mischievous lifetime...

...Get involved in the movement against our aviary adversaries. There is no need for violence or upheaval, but we're HUMANS, dagnabit! We're on top of the food chain and we can let them know once and for all that we don't have to take their crap!

Literally!

- The JSP